Actually, You Probably Don’t Use Your Free Will

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What does Free Will Even Mean?

Do humans have free will? This is one of those great questions of the ages. I am not going to claim here that I have an answer, just some thoughts, and opinions on the topic. You have to make up your own mind about it. Nor am I going to claim that my particular thoughts on the subject are original. They probably aren’t, and certainly, some of them have been heavily influenced by the Eastern Philosophy that I have spent years reading.

So let’s refine this question. Does everyone have free will?

My answer? No.

Now once, when I was a young Catholic teenager I said this to one of my youth group leaders. She came over and punched me in the arm and said, I just expressed my free will, didn’t I? Being a young teenager and not really having the ability to articulate what I was saying, she won the argument. But if I was going to back now, I would argue, that what she did wasn’t an act of free will, but a reaction to a particular kind of external stimuli.

When I say that not everyone has free I am not going to make a claim that particular group is more capable of this than others, I don’t think that could possibly be true. What I mean, is that the majority of people are not present enough, not mindful enough to actually express their free will. They are just mindlessly reacting. That’s not will, that’s cultural programming and instinct.

Most of what we do in life is not of our conscious choice. Most of what we do is a reaction. What does that mean? It means that without the space and presence of mind to stop and actually make a conscious choice, we aren’t acting of our free will. Instead, we’re caught in a net of cause and effect. Someone with a true conscious choice, with true free will, can break free of the old patterns of cause and effect and completely change the game.

What do I a mean? Let’s use a fairly common example of a reactionary situation. I will use this example because even if it has never happened to you, you have certainly heard of a situation like this or seen it on tv or read it somewhere.

Imagine being held at up at gunpoint in the middle of a parking lot. It’s broad daylight. How do you react? I’ll give you a moment to think on it.

You are probably thinking, well I would just give the mugger what they want and they would go away. Maybe you have a background in combat or martial arts and you figure, I’d kick his ass. Maybe you are a gun-toting 2nd amendment stand up and fight kind of person and you would draw your gun the second you had a chance. No matter what you would do, all of those things are reactions, not choices. They feed the same tired old cause and effect. They don’t make things better, they just continue the status quo, the cycle, the pattern.

A rection is something that arises from emotions, from stress, from neurological patterns that you have spent a lifetime building. X input will result in Y reaction. It is why there are all kinds of mental games you can play with people’s thoughts. It’s how cold reading works.

But here is an article with an example of someone who was present in that situation, who did make a conscious choice. NPR A Victim Treats his Mugger Right

I’ll summarize for you real quick so you don’t have to go read it unless you want to. Basically, a mugger threatens a guy with a knife and as the mugger is walking away he offered the mugger his coat. They end up eating dinner together and the Mugger gives back his wallet and leaves his knife behind.

There is a difference here. This person with enough space and presence was not only able to change the course of the game but drastically alter it so that they were creating something entirely new. It is only in a true conscious choice that the space for real change can begin.

Now you might say well hell, what if the guy just killed him? What if it ended badly for both of them? No one said that free will is a safe course or a safe option. In fact, true transcendence of the simple reaction to any situation requires a large degree of courage and fearlessness. It requires that you leap into the unknown and accept that all situations are impermeant, that yes, you may die, but so what?

Your reaction is probably something like, but what about my family? What about the consequences of my death? What about all the things I will miss out on? Maybe I would have more time if I act a certain way? I am sure that you, like most people, fear death. This is a reaction, not a conscious choice.

But death doesn’t give a shit. It can come for you at any moment and in fact, for most of us, it will catch us completely off guard. It will sneak around the corner and end you and you can’t do a damn thing about it. You aren’t invincible. You will die. Playing it safe probably won’t help you. For example, a family member of mine was murdered working third shift at a convenience store when he was only a teenager. What does that mean? Nothing. Rationalize it with any theological argument you want, death is still coming for you.

It is good and right to contemplate this. You cannot truly live, you cannot truly have free will, you cannot be liberated from stagnation without accepting death as a concrete thing.

True free will is risky, it is dangerous, but it also contains in it a true power to remake the world. True free will is also hard work. It is uncomfortable and messy. You make lots of mistakes and you have to own up to them. But the amazing thing is, true free will is also what allows us to experiment, what allows people to come up with amazing solutions to complex and seemingly impossible problems.

It is the unthinking, unfeeling masses that bring upon terrible conditions in the world. Millions of people are starving in the streets and yet, nearly half of all food in the United States is discarded. We waste half our food

War, poverty, homelessness, so many of the ills of our world come from the lack of the exercise of our free will. Most of us just try to get through our day, apathetic to the consequences of our actions, of the things we do or use.

One of my current favorite authors, Anne Leckie, has a fantastic quote in her book Ancillary Justice. “Luxury always comes at someone else’s expense. One of the many advantages of civilization is that one doesn’t generally have to see that, if one doesn’t wish. You’re free to enjoy its benefits without troubling your conscience.”

So how do you become more conscious? You have to create a space of self-examination. You can do this through various activities. The easiest and most powerful way is meditation. It doesn’t matter which kind of meditation you do but the purpose of meditation is self-reflection. It is creating the space in your brain and in your experience to stop and act consciously. Meditation is training your brain to do just that, to have the focus and the presence of mind to detach from simple reactions and transform them into conscious choices.

The thing is, it doesn’t start happening overnight. It takes a long time for people to transform. Think of this way, if you are 20 years old, you built up 20 years of habits around the way you think and react. You create mental impressions and ideas of how to react based on certain situations. There is also a cultural level to this as well. By the way, this is what Karma is about. The concept of Karma is entirely misunderstood in the West. If you want to read a different piece I wrote over on Quora on Karma you can find it here.

So what does this all mean? Well as I said in my last entry, if you want freedom it requires discipline. Anyone can do this, but few actually embark on it. As humans, we can do better. We need to do better. We will do better. The world is ours to remake, if we can only be a little more conscious.

 

On Discipline, Desire, Suffering and Transformation

Dune Quote

Driving in Traffic this morning and listening to an audiobook I came across the quote above. I had to rewind the audiobook several times and listen to it over and over. Partly cause I was completely stopped for a good few minutes and needed to focus on something else for my sanity, and partly because I was just so captivated. Why? There’s so much to it. It is one of those small deep truths that we rarely fully understand. It is a kind of precious gem.

Ask yourself, what are you trying to achieve with your goals? What are your dreams and aspirations? My guess is that it has something to do with freedom. Most of us, in a capitalistic society, are chasing money, some out of survival and some out of sheer desire. But why are you chasing money? Freedom.

This could be freedom from harassment, freedom to travel, freedom to sleep in, freedom to spend time with your family, the freedom of owning a home, or many other things. But it always seemed to me, that the more we chase freedom the more we are caught in a web of desire.

Frank Herbert, the author of arguably one of the greatest science fiction novels (and I believe the best selling) integrated a lot of Zen ideas into his work. This is partly because he was fascinated by Zen and partly because he was a huge fan of the 1960’s Zen teacher Alan Watts.

For those of you who aren’t Buddhist, the core idea of Buddhism is the four noble truths. Now hold on, before you click away, this totally relates, I promise.

1. Life is dissatisfying and we suffer. This isn’t nihilistic, just an observation, like a doctor saying, hey you should probably stop eating copious amounts of sugar, cause it’s gonna cause problems.

2. The cause of suffering is clinging to stuff or trying to pin your happiness on something outside yourself. The problem with this is that stuff changes or disappears and good or bad, nothing lasts forever. Yes, even grandma’s eternal fruitcake or that Mcdonald’s sandwich that has been sitting in the open air for ages. Eventually, they will pass away, though probably not in my lifetime.

3. There is a path out. By the way, there are 2500 years of evidence that these methods do work. People have radically changed themselves through Buddhist practice and meditation.

4. The last of the noble truths is a series of practices and methods for the cultivation of discipline to get out of this sense of dissatisfaction and suffering. This is known as the 8-Fold Path.

So what does all this have to do with freedom and discipline? Well, if you are chasing after freedom, you’ll never find satisfaction. Either, you will, at some point, lose that freedom or you will always be chasing after more. It may also be the case that what you thought would bring you freedom, may actually only be freedom in perception, meaning that it wasn’t as good of a deal as you thought. That fixer-upper you bought because you were inspired by one of those reality tv-shows… you probably understand this pretty well.

If you really want to change your life, if you really want to find greater peace and internal freedom, then you must cultivate discipline. You would be amazed how one small act of discipline can change your life. I like to say, a little bit every day goes a very long way.

In the interest of transparency, I am not the most discipline personed in the world. Also, I haven’t been a formal practitioner of Buddhism for terribly long, only about 2 years. But I have noticed a significant change in my attitude and my ability to work with difficult situations.

But, I’m not saying you should run out and check out Buddhism. What I am suggesting is that if you want to make a real significant change in your life, find a way to establish some discipline. You see, what you will notice when you make a commitment to some kind of discipline is that it will start to spread to others areas of life. Shit, I just cleaned my bedroom because a few things were out of order. I would have never done that a year ago. I’m normally a two-pile kind of guy, one of clean clothes, one of dirty.

But look, it could be something small. Perhaps, like me, you want to be a writer and you make a commitment to write at least 500 words a day. By the way, you are reading my daily words right now. Or maybe you want to learn a language, you could download an app like Duolinguo and spend 15 minutes on there every single day. For me, it began with making a commitment to meditating. As of writing this I am currently on a 123-day streak of daily meditation and attempting to get to a full year.

I know it’s hard. I know you are tired from working multiple jobs and having a family. Believe me, I know all those things intimately. I’ve done both and still sometimes do. That’s why you need to create some accountability while you build a habit. Make a team on Duo-Lingo. Join the ‘My 500 Words’ Facebook group and post daily. If you want to get in shape, find a friend and sign up for an event so you have to train. I did this back in 2014 and signed up for a century-ride. It was a painful first ride attempt because I wasn’t as disciplined as needed. I have since learned my lesson.

Community is crazy important in establishing discipline. In fact, the Buddha recognized this 2500 years ago when he told his adepts that one of the most important things (we say one of the three jewels) is a community (Sangha). Community is there when you are too tired to continue. They are there when you just want to say, to hell with. They remind you what you are doing it all for. By the way, having a loving and supporting partner is also a bonus, but if you are like me and don’t, friends are also excellent at this. Tell them to bug you about it.

Of course, all of this is just advice. There is no shame in living an undisciplined life. Not everyone has the opportunity or the ability to make a radical change. Sometimes the conditions just aren’t there. Personal transformation isn’t easy, it isn’t comfortable and sometimes you are going to hate it. But that is how you know it’s working. If you find discipline, you will ultimately have to confront things about yourself that you don’t like. But this is the price for true freedom.

Feel free to share your stories about discipline or what you have been trying to build a habit around in the comments below. I am happy to discuss this more.

 

The Quality of Autumn

The Quality of Autumn 

Quality of Autumn

 

Pangs of the heart come as the days shorten with a kind of softening bitterness.

What will this end bring?

What will any end bring?

Something new?

For me?

I suspect more of the same.

Wheels upon wheels of an endless autumn, not one step further.

Where is my spring? Has she been lost in the depths of the winter?

A wandering widow who never again finds home?

I lay in the browning grass.

I feel the crunch of leaves in my palms.

I squeeze to feel the assemblage of their wreckage.

Bittersweet memories.

Sleepless nights.

I open my palm.

I am the fragments of leaves scattered on the backs of the wintering winds.

Naked.

Beneficial Flame

Beneficial

There are moments in our lives when we feel the fire of rage.

All is in a fog, all is unclear, all is distorted. Yet in the center of that rage, we believe that there is clarity, that we know what the right course of action is.

We confirm our truth.

We allow our preconceptions to build on perception and solidify. It becomes tangible. To us, there is a kind of beauty in that anger. We lust for it.

Like a flower, it seems to have bloomed from some place righteous, some place justified. And those who will be the victims of our rage will receive their just reward.

Yet after, what does it make? How was it of benefit? Did the flame burn truth into the brow of our enemy?

Most often, anger burns the one who wields it, like one who lit a match and held it too long. Scorched fingers.

Patience douses the fire with water.

Sit in the center of the flame and watch it. Let it burn but do not feed it.

Sit in the center and whisper the sacred syllable, Hung.

Watch it transform.

Watch you transform.

Give it space.

Rest in Mind.

Return

Return

Return

It is beckoned by gravity’s song,

Pulled ever forward, ever along.

Dodging left and right,

Hoping to stay out of sight.

The secret is here, in the act,

In the movement, in the contract.

Down it goes, it jerks, it resists,

Until it mergers from a single kiss.

It kisses some more and increases its speed,

It becomes heavy, weighted down, a larger bead.

It clings tight, to the metal, all it knows,

But it cannot grasp forever, it must let go.

It loses its grip and cascades down,

It lands in the water but does not drown.

Instead, it merges, it melds, it becomes,

Connected existence, it succumbs.

And remembers it forgot all that it knew,

Connected and one, the only real view.

Space and potential, potential and space,

Here, at last, it knows a joy it can embrace.

The Mastery

The Mastery

The Mastery

It’s all there,

What we once were,

What we are.

It never left the heart.

I assure you.

 

Patient Shadows can abide in darkness.

And As we walk forward on the grated metal path,

Can you hear that echo against your feet?

It means you’re moving.

It means you’re making progress.

But what progress is needed,

When it’s all there already?

There’s no need to deny it.

I assure you.

 

Patient Shadows burn in the brilliant light,

They don’t mind.

There’s no pain.

I assure you.

 

Do you see the path yet?

It’s outlined,

it’s obvious

What’s the matter?

Don’t you trust it?

Your eyes don’t deceive you.

It’s safe,

I assure you.

 

The shadows is in you,

Why do you run?

Turn,

Stop.

Smell the sweet scent of the flowers.

Or the Fucking Roses.

Does your heart quicken?

It should.

There’s no puzzle,

No pieces missing.

It’s all there.

I assure you.

 

But don’t listen to me.

Maybe I’m a lying bastard.

Look up,

Walk the path,

See the shadows,

Smell the roses,

Find the fuck out for yourself.

That’s the only way you’ll know.

I assure you.

Roachocalypse (Short Story)

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Roachocalypse

by Michael Kilman

Email dated April 19th, 2037 09:37 am
To: SusanJamesLapris2034@gmail.com
From: LancasterH@crtownship.gov

Susan,
I apologize for not getting back to you sooner but I’ve been swamped at the office with a rash of new missing persons’ cases. It seems that similar circumstances surrounding your husband’s disappearance are beginning to turn up all around the city. As I said before, if I have any new leads on your husband I will let you know as soon as possible.

I appreciate your patience and your cooperation

Howard Lancaster

Email dated April 23rd, 2037 13:15 pm

To: LancasterH@CRtownship.gov

From: SusanJamesLapris2034@gmail.com

Detective,

You said that if I found anything that might help in the investigation to forward it on to you. I asked my brother Scott to come over and help me get into Darrell’s emails and he figured out the password.

What we found is really strange. We don’t know quite what to make of it. Funny thing is, we only have the sent emails. It’s like someone deleted all the stuff out of the inbox but forget the sent folder.

I tried to call you several times today but for a while, all the lines were busy and then they just went dead. Are you having phone problems over there? As you know the drive is pretty far, so here’s what I found.

****
Forwarded Message
From: DarrelJames@phoenixlabs.org
To: 4387tzf@pentagon.gov
Date April 3rd, 2037 21:23 pm

General,
The experiment tomorrow is proceeding as planned. We traced the hackers back to a Chinese lab and planted a little virus of our own. There should be no further interruptions. I understand your concerns about using this email but it is well encrypted. Without my password, it is impossible to access this email. The Roaches are ready to rumble.

D. James

 

Forwarded Message
Date: April 6th, 2037 17:17 pm

General,

The experiment was a remarkable success. The roaches’ bodies no long need a transplant; we have completely rewired their DNA with the AI so that the Nanobots grow into the exoskeleton from right from birth. They’re like mini armadillos. Some of them are even starting to run around in little packs, like wolves. It’s fascinating I could watch them for hours.

Also, their nanite armor is incredible. Paul Watson tried to kill one of them with a hammer, and though he succeeded, it took him almost a dozen swings before it died. There may be a military application in addition to our original goals. But don’t quote me on that in one of your reports.

But what’s truly unbelievable is that the carbon they extract out of the atmosphere is eighteen times higher than our original estimates. And today Singh Haig had a brilliant thought. We experimented with allowing them to consume radioactive medical waste. Thus far the results are promising. With your permission, we would like to try to use spent fuel rods from the nearby power plant.

The raw data is on its way through the usual channels. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

D. James

Forwarded Message
Date: April 7th 2037 18:51pm

General,

I understand your concern with the breeding rates and it is noted. We aren’t sure why their multiplying so fast but we are going to try and use that to our advantage. I mean there is a lot of carbon in the atmosphere and even with several millions of these things, it will take years to undo the damage that’s been done. Besides Paul is having a lot of fun with testing out armor strength on the various specimens with that hammer. I swear all he does is swing that thing around now. Population control I guess?

I would also like to note that some of the roaches have taken on an interesting green glow. Some images and videos are attached to this email.

D. James

Forwarded Message
Date: April 9th 2037 13:11pm

General,

I am sorry to report that Paul Watson has disappeared. We searched around the complex and all we found was that damn hammer. The crazy thing is, it had a little dried blood on it. Paul must have whacked himself on accident at some point.

But with his disappearance, we now suspect that he was the mole for the Chinese. We have tightened our security around here but for now, we will continue the tests. I will say that the population is approaching a critical limit. They are definitely breeding faster than we anticipated. At this rate, we will have to call in an exterminator. Just kidding! But we are going to have to thin the numbers a bit and there are too many now to use a hammer.

D.James

Forwarded Message
Date: April 11th 2037 17:01pm

General,
I don’t know what to say. Mike Brokes, Singh Haig and Vanessa Martinez have all gone missing. Their family hasn’t heard from them either. The leaves only myself and Amy Johnson.

There’s been another troubling development. We gassed 3 of the 8 of the enclosures with the Roaches to thin out the numbers and well, when we came in this morning, a fourth enclosure was empty. I mean, it’s as if the damn things just vanished. We have put the whole lab on lockdown. Amy said she heard some strange noises in the ducts. So I went up there to check it out, and I thought I saw something glowing, but I think it was only my mind playing tricks on me.

D. James

Forwarded Message
Date: April 12th 2037 03:12am

General, oh god. They got Amy. I saw them. The ones that escaped, there are tens of thousands of them now. When then moved, it was like they were one body. They picked her up and took her right in front of me. I chased them. I tried to stop them, but I was only able to kill a few them. That armor. They’re so fast and General, some of them are growing. I saw one the size of a cat.
I don’t know where they went. They just seemed to vanish around a corner. And then I heard her screaming. They must have taken her underground or something.
I’m the only one left here. I’ve locked myself in a sealed enclosure, nothing should be able to get in or out. But Jesus General, it was the gas. This all started when we gassed those three enclosures. I wonder if Paul… but never mind that now.
I know this is going to sound crazy but I think they want revenge. Or maybe this was the Chinese, or the AI or the radiation, I don’t know but I do know I can’t stop them. I’m trapped.

Oh no. Their crawling all over the window trying to get in. Oh god, the window is cracking. I don’t think I have much time.

General, we can’t let these things get out. Do whatever you have to do to stop them. Even Protocol 7JF if you have to.

Tell my wife I love her.

End Forwarded Messages

***
Detective,
You see why I don’t know what to think of all this? I mean I thought maybe this was some sort of piece of fiction my husband wrote. He does like writing his crazy stories. You should have read the one who wrote about the zombie ferrets. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever read.

But Detective, do you think there is any connection between this all the missing people in town?

I hope this helps Detective, I really do. I’ll try calling again tomorrow. I’m terribly worried about my husband.

Susan James-Lapris

Sovereign

First new piece of artwork and poetry for 2017!

Enjoy!

sovereign

Sovereign

penetration By,

choices, changes and the cyclical regurgitation of the will to comply

algorithms and stereotypes

false hopes in finger swipes

the problem?

i am bOund by perception

i am wanting new direction

i am dissatisfied with my lot

but silent? ha! i am not.

i am vociferous

i am malicious

i am calculating

i am aggravating

i am Devastating

too many “i’s”

constantly Heaving heavy sighs

it’s time to consider my own demise

call it what it is

all of it

insanity

but there is a way out.

It’s right here

New Direction (Spoken Word)

I saw Cornell West speak yesterday and was blown away. As a result I wrote a little spoken word piece. It’s called New Direction. The words themselves are below the video.

 

New direction
The breath, the breath

The very vessel that leads towards death

Boundaries and Borders

Like old tape recorders

If you Stock up and reorder

Then you continue the disorder

Repeat, then rewind, then repeat

Round and round leading to our collective defeat

Dare you delete, the very elite

That knocked you down off your shoeless feet?

Out In the cold, your whole life, nothing but bought and sold

Learning is bold because It’s not everything you know, it’s everything you’re told

So it doesn’t matter in which school you are enrolled

Or the size of your household, or however well controlled

Look again, and again, and breathe some more

Travel Down Darkened Alleys, Open some locked doors

I implore you to explore despite the ever present war

For your mind, it always wants more, is always willing to ignore

That all of civilization is built on the bones of the poor

Stop for a sec, just breath, don’t leave, there is a little more

The doctor must diagnose the illness before there’s a cure.

Listen, just listen to your own self-deception

When you meet a new idea, don’t go with your preconception

Shift your perception, make a correction, see the connections

If you listen to your discomfort you can make an interception

At the very core of your apperception

But be careful not to start a different kind of collection

Of knowledge and perception, That route leads to even more powerful deception

Know that, True education is liberation

It ends the incarceration of entire minds and entire nations

Participate in a celebration Of your personal annexation

Because aligning with your minds death and a little contemplation

Frees your soul and creates some space for a state of jubilation