Further Myths of the Mammoth Man (Custom Made Story)

This past Christmas in a gift exchange I wrote my brother a joke story. Recently he recommended I post it. Why? Because he suggested that maybe some people out there might want a custom made story of their own. I specialize in outrageous humor. It doesn’t have to rhyme of course but this one did. It can be a wide variety of genres.

Rates are as follows:
$100 for 250 words
$150 for 500 words
$250 for 1000 words
$500 for 2000 words.

If you are interested you reach me by email me at LoridiansLaboratory@gmail.com

So if you are interested in hiring me to write a custom made story for your friends or loved ones, consider the sample below.

Additional samples of some of my short work include Man in the Mirror and Simulacra

Further Myths of the Mammoth Man

Many years ago I told a tale so tall

That those who heard it felt a little small

It was a tale of a man of a mammoth proportions

So tall was this tale that some accused me of distortions

The Mammoth Man tale’s tale might be tall but it is true

So I decided to return to his native land and resume the story for you

When I returned to Colorado from afar

I found that the Mammoth had done quite well for himself and even had a nice car

No more lemon vehicles that break down on sight

And the mighty mammoth man became a mascot of sorts in sports on many nights

His mighty arms would guide a great screen in stadiums like magic

And from what I understand his paycheck isn’t what you call tragic

In his domestic sphere, had had done pretty well

He had caught the eye of a kindhearted southern bell

They live in a large house in Aurora where they and their daughter Cimi happily dwell

And the southern bell doesn’t even seem to mind how much his feet smell

Or perhaps when they do she makes him sleep in a hotel

All seemed well but, Did he live happily ever after you say?

Well, it wouldn’t be much of a story if that’s all I had to share today

You see the Mammoth shared a story that’s unbelievable but true

It involved a ham sandwich, some aliens, and a giant emu

What came next was fantastic and strange

It began late one night on a highway interchange

Driving in his mammoth car listening to rock and roll 

He slowed down on the road to pay a toll

Suddenly above the sky filled with a bright light

And the Mammoth man sighed knowing it would be a long night

When the aliens descended they brought a large machine

Because they needed something more powerful than the normal abduction beam

They couldn’t lift the mammoth man because his shoes alone were size nineteen

As the mammoth man ascended side by side with the alien crew

He realized that this wasn’t the strangest thing he was forced to do

After all there was that time in Tahiti with swarm of cuckoos

And of course the time with the priest who practiced voodoo

He wondered for a moment how he always got in this situations

But then the aliens asked him if he would be willing to represent all earth nations

At a galactic council where humans were on trial

To try an determine if earthlings could transcend their greed and guile

Of course Mammoth man knew they were probably wondering if invasion was worth while.

So as he entered the ship he just nodded and smiled

He just hoped they wouldn’t destroy his sweater made from argyle

It wasn’t a council chamber they brought him into

Instead it was a large enclosure that looked like a zoo

Many creatures were in cages including an emo and a kangaroo

The mammoth man asked, just what do you plan to do

The aliens looked at their feet and admitted their real plan

They told of their obsession with YouTube and how they had discovered the tale of the mammoth man

In fact, the aliens revealed that they were really big fans

And wanted him to stay for the rest of his lifespan

But the mammoth man thought of his southern bell at home

And about how small the ship was and how little room there was to roam

He politely declined but the aliens sprayed him with a strange foam

It hardened and solidified and trapped him in a dome

But the aliens underestimated mammoth man’s strength

And that they would be able to hold him for any length

He smashed out of his prison in minutes and broke free

But he could find no obvious way off the ship to flee

He looked around for a helpful ally from the zoo

And his eyes settled on the cage with giant Emu

He smashed open it’s cage hopped on it’s back and together they broke through to

The door to the bridge of the ship and threatened a coup

The aliens resisted and fought a hard battle

But as it turns out he had  something that would really give them a rattle

In his pocket was a ham sandwich and when it fell out

It caused all the aliens to fall to their knees and beg to end the bout

For it seemed the aliens were allergic to ham

Apparently in the wider galaxy everyone preferred fresh lamb

He threatened the creatures that he would slam and cram the ham

Into their mouths like a battering ram

The aliens with faces sad acknowledge their defeat

And the mammoth man threatened them to never again lie or cheat

Or he would return with a treat they were allergic to eat

So the aliens landed their ship in a field of buckwheat

The Mammoth demanded they set all the creatures loose

That included the emu, the kangaroos, and even moose

The aliens took off not long after the truce

And promised that their abductions would be severely reduced

As the mammoth man drove home he shook his weary head

And he thought about how most of the animals had already fled

But not the emu for it chose to stay instead

He thought about how he would explain to the southern bell his new pet Ed

Perhaps she wouldn’t look on it with quite so much dread,

If he offered her a ride on the back of his new giant emu thoroughbred

The tale of the mammoth man is done for today

Perhaps we will check back in on him in few years and see if there is more to say

Maybe once the mammoth man is old and gray

We will hear a final tale as strange as the one today.  

Simulacra (Sci-Fi Flash Fiction)

Simulacra is a piece of flash fiction (less than 1000 words) about a conversation between two men, after it’s revealed that our whole world is a simulation created by future humans to study the past.

Simulacra

“Because, Edgar, you’re living in a simulation!”
Roger pointed to the glitch, a rather large shimmering hole in the fabric of reality. “There are hundreds of those all over this so called world!”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t have to water my tomatoes.”
“Nothing matters anymore, we aren’t even real, we’re software. Didn’t you see the news? It’s confirmed, there’s no denying it, our designers even showed us how it works and made people appear and disappear. I got to walk on the so called moon without a spacesuit yesterday. What do you think about all of this?”
“ I think my tomato plants won’t appreciate it if I let them die.”
“Screw your tomato plants!” Roger waved his arms and paced back and forth across the garden patio.
“What did my tomato plants ever do to you?”
“Not exist!”
“Well I don’t see how that’s their fault.”
“We don’t exist either.”
Edgar stepped back for a moment, looked at his watering can, looked at the plants, looked at Roger, shrugged his shoulders and started to water his plants again.
“Nice day for it.”
“For what?”
“For living in a simulation. At least they didn’t make it a dreary day.”
Roger strode forward and knocked the watering can out of Edgar’s hands. Water spilled everywhere.
“That was rude.”
“It doesn’t matter does it?”
“It matters to me, and now my socks are wet.”
“Your socks aren’t real, your feet aren’t real, the watering can isn’t real. This isn’t a hoax, this isn’t made up. We know, for a fact, that our whole existence is a program run by humans from the 24th century to try and understand why the 2020 sucked so bad and all you can talk about is your wet socks and tomatoes?”
“You don’t seem to be social distancing well Rodger.”
“Covid-19 is a simulation!”
“That doesn’t mean I won’t get sick.”
Edgar pressed his wet feet into the cement making squishing sounds. “My shoes are soggy. It’s going to take a whole day for them to dry.”
Roger sat down, pulled out a cigarette and lit it.
“Why are your smoking?”
“Because it makes me feel better.”
“But you said yourself, you aren’t real. You stopped me from watering my plants. I don’t see how a cigarette will make you feel better.”
“Well our creators made me addicted.”
“That a bit like saying, the Devil made me do it. I don’t see any designer shouting at you to smoke.”
Roger puffed smoke. “It’s in the algorithms or something. I don’t see anyone making you water your stupid tomatoes.”
Edgar picked up the watering can, walked over to the spigot in the wall and refilled it. He turned to water his plants again. He said, “And just what should we do about this whole simulation business?”
Roger strode forward and knocked the watering can out of Edgar’s hands again.
“Do? What should we do?”
Edgar sighed picking up the can again, “Well I can finish watering my plants and you can keep smoking.”
“What’s the point?”
“What was the point before?”
“Before, we had meaning and purpose. We talked about the nature of humanity and meant it. We debated ideologies and philosophies and talked about free will. But it seems, we were all wrong. Well, except for the few crazy ones who already suspected the truth. But we ignored them.”
“Your life had purpose before?”
“Shut up, you know what I mean.”
“So what then?”
“We could break it.”
“The simulation?
Roger nodded.
“How?”
“I don’t know. You stop watering your plants and I’ll stop smoking.”
“If I don’t water my plants they will die.”
“Yeah, sure. Maybe we should do crazy off the wall things that humans wouldn’t normally do?”
“Like?”
“Dress up our animals and treat them like humans?”
“There is a whole industry that caters to that.”
“Burn buildings to the ground?”
“That just sounds like a riot.”
“Well we have to do something.”
“Why? Why not just enjoy the simulation? Maybe make some different choices and see how it goes?”
“But…” Rodger gestured at the large glitch in reality. “We can’t just pretend like nothing is different. That what we know now is meaningless.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s a crime. We’re oppressed by our future selves.” Roger paused. “I got it! We’ll go on a general strike!”
“And do what?”
“Nothing.”
“Sounds like most days for you.
“Shut up.”
“And what will that accomplish Roger?”
“Well the designer on the news said they created this simulation to model human behavior. What if, all of us, everywhere, in the simulation, decide that we will do absolutely nothing. We won’t do a damn thing. We will just stay still until… until…”
“Until what?”
“They set us free!”
“Aren’t we software?”
“Yes but…”
“Can software become free of hardware?”
“Yes!, No… maybe… I don’t know.”
“Have you considered the opposite?”
“The… opposite?”
“What if, now hear me out. The glitches weren’t an accident? What if the designers were bored with modeling human behavior in the 21st century and thought, well, let’s tell them the truth and see what they do? What if, every thing you are saying now is a pre-made program set to infect all of us and we’re playing into their very hands at this moment.”
Roger blinked. “I… I never thought of that.”
“Do you know how long you have existed Roger?”
“What?”
“How long have we known each other?”
“A few years why?”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes we met at that party in Hebron.”
“I’ve never been to Hebron.”
“What do you mean?”
“A week. You popped up a week ago, the exact same time as the glitches.”
“What? Wait, if that’s true, how come you remember it?”
“A glitch probably.”
“You mean a real one? Not one made by the designers?”
“Yes, I think so. You’re an probably part of the experiment Roger. Now sit down, shut up and let me water my tomatoes.”